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 sheilds sotry corner: death of thelordofdarkness

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sheildsgalore
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PostSubject: sheilds sotry corner: death of thelordofdarkness   Thu 9 Nov - 5:10

as an event on impsvillage, the guy is quitting, and letting people post art/stories to place in the top 3 to get his items, like his solomonk Exclamation!!. anyways i plan to enter this competition, and the due date is in december, and since i can't play dofus anymore till i get my grades up, i may as well do this story for when i do fix my grades Twisted Evil. i will post each section of this sotry here, as i get done, but each one will be longer then my dopple stories, and hopefully more professional too Wink. then once this is said and done, i will return to the dopple stories and finish that up. stay tuned pirat

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PostSubject: Re: sheilds sotry corner: death of thelordofdarkness   Thu 9 Nov - 17:23

Wt are the stories gonna be abt? i wanna participate too if i can ...
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sheildsgalore
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PostSubject: Re: sheilds sotry corner: death of thelordofdarkness   Thu 9 Nov - 21:48

the sotries, simply put, are about his death, so far my story is about 5 pages and still going strong, woo hoo go me Very Happy

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PostSubject: Re: sheilds sotry corner: death of thelordofdarkness   Thu 9 Nov - 22:12

his death? u mean that guys posted a post to tell ppl to wwite a story for his death? Wow lol!
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PostSubject: Re: sheilds sotry corner: death of thelordofdarkness   Fri 10 Nov - 0:04

Note: As this is a completely fictional story, about fictional characters, the following peoples action may not be what they would ever do, and with the exception of the lordofthedarkness, I have no permission whatsoever to use them :X*

------------background--------- *yes, those who read this will play dofus and know all this, but for those that don’t 8

The city of brakmar, home of the alignment of the devil wings, the braks. A powerful alignment, currently waging war with the angel-winged bontans, namely over territories of doppuel land, and impsvillage for their great resources. The city of brakman, and the city of bonta, are nearly opposites in their looks, bonta being a friendly outgoin city with flowing water, and beautifully paved ground. Brakmar on the other hand, has granite stone ground, with black stone walls, and a lava moat protecting it from would-be bontas who wished to gain entrance. Another big difference between the two cities, is their size of willing volunteers. Bonta gets many of the new recruits, and their numbers greatly outnumber the braks, however, what brak lacks in sheer numbers, they make up for in the quality of each of the members. In bonta, getting a place of power like lord or general is easy as they need lots, and thanks to the high influx of members, those that are better then the rest will definitely flaunt that strength, like the famous soviet. Meanwhile in brak, the competition for these positions is fierce, and backstabbing has been known to happen amongst the ranks, for those who wish to further their own rank. Between the constant warring between the two cities, and the backstabbing which sometimes, but rarely, happens, the brakmar are having a hard time taking control of territories and keeping them, and many territories remain bontan for extended periods of time.

--------outside the great wall of brakmar----------

“you remember the mission right?” said the main bontan sram commander, soviet, to the other commanders that were sent on this mission.
“its to kidnap their main commander right?” said a fecan commnader, name ramboPL.
“correct, you all know your roles in this? Rambo whats your role?” asked soviet.
“my roll is to stage a frontal assault distracting the majority of their forces, and as soon as is gets to dangerous pull out” replied Rambo.
“good, whats your role cloudy?” soviet asked the eni commander cloudy.
“my roll, is to use wiping word, and continuously heal Rambo until such time that we get overwhelmed” answered cloudy.
“okay, -vagrant- your with me, us combined should pretty easily and quickly knock out their main commander.” Soviet said.
“gotcha, this shouldn’t be to hard to do” replied vagrant.
“okay, lets do this, remember, Rambo and cloudy, make as much commotion and stay as long as possible, the longer you can stay the easier it is for me and vagrant to get in and out. Now lets go, time is of the essence!” commanded soviet, who cast invisibility, and invisibility of others on vagrant.
“okay cloudy, time to show them why we are the top bontan commanders.” Said Rambo as he hurried down the road to the front gate of brakmar.
“dun worry I got you covered” smiled cloudy as she cast wiping word and went invisible.

------------inside the black city of brakmar------------------------

“we have gathered intelligence thanks to our informants inside bonta that they plan to kidnap me, which I doubt they will manage to do, but even so, they think they have a chance, so I might as well get a security detail. Now, you, you , you… annnnnnd you wil bodyguard me for the next 12 hours” the high brak commander said as he pointed to 4 warriors. “the rest of you are dismissed, and start planning on how to get the imps village back under our control.”
“Aie Aie SIR!” shouted the entierety of the braks at this assembly as they walked out the door. One of these who was walking out was a pitchblack eca with a powerful solomonk. He walks down the doorway, taking stares of awe at his lordship.
“Sir lord, sir lord!” ecstatically said one of the new recruits to this eca. The eca stopped midstep and whelled around to the new recruit and got up in his ace.
“what do YOU want worm?” sneered the black eca.
“umm.. err… can I have your autograph? “ smiled the new recruit sheepishly. The eca look annoyed at having been bothered.
“ hmmmm, lemme think about that.. hmm, oh this will be my new signature. “smiled the black eca evilly, then the eca grabbed the new recruits throat, and slams him into the wall, nearly having the new recruit go uncoinsioucs. The black eca walks away, stops midstep, looks at the new recruits, and continues “that’s for interrupting me, worm.”
“(gack)(wheexe) S…S… Sorry.. (cough cough) sir, wont happen again sir!” wheezed the new recruit.
“make sure it doesn’t.” sneered the eca as he continues walking. The eca was in an unusually bad mood, which would surely impress the few superiors that weren’t out on missions. The black eca walks into the mess hall to finish the meal he was eating when the emergency assembly was called. Just as he gets to the tray left there, the door to the outside slams open, and a torn and tattered brak warrior stumbles in. The nearest people rush to him and ask him about whats happening.
“ A bonta, feca, is attacking the main gate, we, we couldn’t stop him!” said the panicked warrior.
“a single bontan thinks he can handle us? What a fool” said the black eca was walked to the injured warrior.
“its not any bontan feca, ITS RAMBO!” screwed the injured warrior hysterically before fainting from bloodloss.
“R-R-Rambo, HERE? “ murmeber many of the other warriors.
“Shape up you wimps, we are going out to meet him in battle! Bring a sadi, we should make quick work, even of him! “ commaned the black eca.
“I am up for it, It outta be fun, eh lordofdarkness?” said an iop with black armor and a red cross.
“indeed it shall hellbent, lets rid this city of that arrogant bontant.” Replied the black eca, called lordofthedarkness.
“heh, way ahead of you! “ smiled hellbent as he ran out the door.
“no fair a head start!” forwned thelordofdarkness chasing after him.

--------up in the rafters------------

“good job rambo, got the attention of some of their strongest, this may be easier then I thought!” said soviet to vagrant.
“Indeed, but lets hurry, we have no idea how long Rambo can last against them” replied vagrant.
“good point vagrant.” Answered soviet as they continue through the rafters, and as most of the braks go outside to witness the battle, soviet and vagrant drop down, and go down the path leading to the main commander.

----------At the gate--------------

Another brak warrior lifts his halberd and brings it down at Rambo, only to hit full force a shield of earth, angry at this, the guard holds the weapon to his side, and stats spinning at a high rate, changing the element to wind, Rambo realizing this does a back-flip over the blade, lands, then brings his rod gerse across the warriors face twice, causing deep gashes through the helmet killing the warrior instantly. As the dead warrior falls to his knees, a second uses the corpse as a stepping stone to jump into the air and bring the halberd down at an astonishing rate, rambos earth armor reduces the damage slightly, but is utterly shredded through, a deep gash appears in Rambos shoulder. Rambo, while using his good arm, swings the rod gerse at the guard hitting the helmet off, then places the weapon on the ground, white-hot fire appears on the ground, and incinerates the guard. While the light blinds people, the gash on Rambos shoulder disappears.
“is this all you wimpy warriors can muster? “ laughed Rambo to himself. He looks over and seens an iop running ull blast at him. Rambo is no longer laughing but has a serious look on his face. ‘guess so, and I guess I got the attention of some big people here too! “ the iop then creates a sharp shockwave, and at the pinnacle of its reach, splits in 4 paths, on in each direction, one heading straight at Rambo. Rambo gets a serious lok on his face and is prepared to move, when he suddenly feels soothed.. he looks down, and sees a bramble around his leg, poking its needles through his skin, releasing a toxin that paralysis his legs while making him feel good. “damn, a sadi too!” Rambo braces himself best as he can, when the blast finally reaches him, his earth armor reacts instinctively and softens the blow, then a second barrier appears and absorbs a ton of the damage before giving away and Rambo getting hit by a mere fraction of the original attack.
“How did that NOT kill you? Grrrrrr, Rambo you just DON’T die do you?” screams the iop.
“of course not Hellbent, I am a Feca after all” smirks Rambo, placing his hand above his head, sticks of fire fly out of his hands and fly at hellbent. Hellbent side-steps the first series, manages to dodge half of the second volley, but is unable to dodge the third volley.
“grrrrr, you will die NOW Rambo!” screams hellbent as his eyes glow red and he charges forward.
“I dun think so! “ replied Rambo as he places his hands on the ground, a glyph appears under hellbents feet and they stop moving. “Tase my paralyzing glyph!”
“I have tasted it before, and I know how to avoid it! “ said hellbent as he jumped out of the glyph and continues running at Rambo.
“grrrr… ! “ growled Rambo. Rambo claps his hands once again and clouds start appearing above hellbents head, and thunder starts clapping, while lightning bolts drop around him.
“how many times have you used this on me to no effect? “smirked hellbent easily predicting the lighntings path and reaches Rambo. “I hope your prepared to die, I find it highly offensive that you DARE come in MY city, you FILTHY BONTAN! “ hellbent screams. Rambo new this could only mean one attack, the feared iops wrath. Using his most powerful shield, called immunity, was his only option. Rambo quickly claps his hand for this shield, but as he does so, a bramble quickly wraps around him, then withdraws, it was the feared spell amongst fecas, the insolent bramble, which takes away all the shields. Shieldless and out of breath, Rambo had no other option that to take the full attack. Hellbent attacks in a furious series of blows, each one worse then the last, when hellbent finally rises his sword for the final, and most damage of them, hellbent brings the sword down with such a defeaning clow, lightning emminates from not only the sword, but the air around him. Rambo takes the full blow and lies on the ground, nearly dead. Rambo glows lightly and get up as if it didn’t do anything at all.
“it looks like it will take more then that to kill me hellbent” smirks Rambo.
“that’s not possible! How did you live?” said hellbent with a shocked look.
“hold it there hell bent” said lordofthedarkness from the catwalk on the wall. “can’t you tell its so obvious! He has an eni with him!” lordofthedarkness drops down from the scaffolding, and seems to take a piece of air hostage.
“what do you mean an eni? Is there a sram here too?” inquired hellbent.
“dumbass! Skilled enis, like enus and srams, can go invisible, but to nad for this eni, I was here! Now watch! “ thelordofdaarkness ears twitch, and an eni fades into view infront of him. He then places his balde next to the enis throat. “rambo, you miscalculated us braks! “
“ehhh.. not quite! “ smiled Rambo, he claps his hands once again. “its time go go –cloudy- we did what we could, we can’t win now!” said Rambo as he disappeared.
“where did Rambo go?? “screamed hellbent. The eni that thelordofdarkness was holding disappears once again as well.
“they retreated.. but why attack the front gates? Even Rambo knows that’s a failure, or at the least a suicide mission.. unless….” Started thelordofthedarkness as his eyes widened. “Come on hellbent, to the high commander, TOP SPEED NOW!” he finished as he started running as fast as he could back to the room where the high commander was. “stupid stupid, how could I not realize that that was their plan all along, how come I couldn’t detect them!”

------------in the commanders room--------------

The 4 gods and the commander are standing there as the door opens. ‘I see you’re here, I must say, your speed in getting here to kidnap me is impressive!” smiled the high commnader.
“yeah yeah, your coming with us! “ said soviet looking serious on his bony sram face.
“I dun think so! “ yelled the commander. “GET HIM!” the 4 warriors charge forward and all repeatedly stab soviet, who collapses to the ground and disappears.
“sorry, your gonna have to do a lot better then THAT! “ yelled soviets disembodied voice, as the four warriors all collapse from stab wounds. “now!”
“what the? “ the high commnader says as he looks behind him, seeing the all too familiar lightning of iops wrath, acting quickly, he blocks vagrants powerful slash. “I should have none soviet was the one they would have come aster M~!” the high commnader was saying as he activates some of soviets stronger paralyzing and poison traps, he then collapses on the ground uncoinscious.
“ I can’t believe he blocked my iops wrath, he seems to be a tricky one” says vagrant to soviet.
“yeah, but thankfully we weren’t supposed to kill him, now lets go before they realize whats happening!
Outside, thelordofdarkness has finally reachedthe hallways and sees the door openeing, this prompts him to run even faster. “Stop right there bontan scum!”
“what the? Rambo has been forced to retreat already? No matter, we just gotta get rid of one more brak then. “ said vagant cracking his knuckles.
“I think you mean, us 2 braks will be killing YOU 2 bontans! “ said hellbent as he jumps through the doors.
“Dammit, 2 powerful braks, well, we can’t exactly retreat as easily thanks to your commander not being bontan, so it looks like we gotta go through you! “ said soviet as he prepares his daggers.
“I got the sram, I have the better chance of beating him! “ said thelordofthedarkness as he prepares his sword, and focuses his internal instincts towards finding invisible enemies.
“well, I got the wittle bontan iop then” smirks hellbent.
“oh bloody hell, I am gonna be bloody soon” says vagrant as he prepares his sword for the strongest fight he has been in. Soviet does the usual and goes invisible, only to his dismay, thelordofthedarkness throws some powerful Heads or tails dead on at soviet hitting their mark.


thats all so far, i havent gotten to his death yet even, good god. oh well, please critique this harshly.

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PostSubject: Re: sheilds sotry corner: death of thelordofdarkness   Fri 10 Nov - 5:35

well u asked for it........... yeah only a few minor typos remarks no doubt T_T (yeah not that good at the mean thing T_T) well would u rather i tel lthem to u directly or should i just leave them to u to find out? and u r planing to gie us some of the stuff u get hmmmmm?
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sheildsgalore
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PostSubject: Re: sheilds sotry corner: death of thelordofdarkness   Fri 10 Nov - 8:35

be mean dangit >< dont let me find out on my own, this is only for so long, and seocndly first and 3rd places are not sharable, only second is, and i plan on winning first XD. now be mean about the critique, or i may have to be mean to you XD.

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PostSubject: Re: sheilds sotry corner: death of thelordofdarkness   Fri 10 Nov - 19:46

woot i'd like to see interference in action hyper
btw good luck with contest good

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PostSubject: Re: sheilds sotry corner: death of thelordofdarkness   Sat 11 Nov - 2:12

you guys aren't being mean enough Sad


i want this AS GOOD AS POSSIBLE, but without mean critics giving me every little minor detail *except speling erros and the like, i am looking through that at hone when i got free time, 2 pages done 3 to go, then however many more i type up tongue *

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PostSubject: Re: sheilds sotry corner: death of thelordofdarkness   Sat 11 Nov - 6:11

i woulkd show this to my friend but when u say best as possible he would have to need tio play dofus T_T

oh and if the subject did not have to be dofus related if it is bad it is your own fault for making it a dofus themed thing(yeah niot a curese word person either people go wow when i say somthing like shit ) yes i know this is confusing and since apparently it had to be dofus themed then disregard my comment


Last edited by on Sat 11 Nov - 22:18; edited 1 time in total
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PostSubject: Re: sheilds sotry corner: death of thelordofdarkness   Sat 11 Nov - 6:19

your last paragraph is conmfusing, but you mean that if the thing didn't have to be dofus realted, then its bad becuase i chose it to be dofus related?

btw, it does have to be dofus related becuase its about a dofus character dieing.

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PostSubject: Re: sheilds sotry corner: death of thelordofdarkness   Sat 11 Nov - 11:47

If you want a critique to actually point out flaws or what ever I shall print what you have out and show it to my friend which is a grammar freak and if you use one wrong word she corrects it right away o.o
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sheildsgalore
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PostSubject: Re: sheilds sotry corner: death of thelordofdarkness   Sun 12 Nov - 3:04

hmmmmm, do that AFTEr i finish the story tongue which i need to strt working on again, and will hopefully finish it tonight.

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PostSubject: Re: sheilds sotry corner: death of thelordofdarkness   Sun 12 Nov - 5:58

Okie Dokie tongue
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PostSubject: Re: sheilds sotry corner: death of thelordofdarkness   Fri 17 Nov - 10:24

i cant read that its to big affraid
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PostSubject: Re: sheilds sotry corner: death of thelordofdarkness   Mon 20 Nov - 7:00

blargh, my comp that had that doc got wiped, so i went from scratch from about where i left off.. anyways, its "done" i think.... i will mesh that together better when i get the feed back, also, i will expand the disclaimer at the top ofg the other part :p

The two warriors stare at each other, waiting for the other to make a move. Lordofthedarkness throws a powerful heads or tails at SOVIET, whom disappears from the blow. Lordofthedarkness then quickly side steps as the flash of a daggers blade shimmers from where he stood before disappearing. He swings his blade down, and a clang is heard while the blade is stopped mid-air, he then does a few back flips, as once again, the flash of the daggers appears and disappears where he had stood. Many SOVIETS start appearing around Lordofthedarkness, realizing that none of them are real, he wonders why they are fencing him in, so he summons his kitty, which instantly blows up from a trap. Lordofthedarkness smiles, for his many sram battles taught him a trick to getting out of such a trap. He throws his deck with such force, lightning follows behind them before they land, disintegrating all the traps in front, following this path, he run at a clone of soviet, jumps in the air, kicks it in the face, back-flips through the air, kicking another in the face, continues jumping through the air, and lands behind the doubles fence. He stands and looks around, trying to get a fix on SOVIET’s real location. Before he can successfully detect SOVIET, he feels the piercing pain of SOVIETS daggers in his back. Gritting his teeth, he quickly turns around before SOVIET can fully withdraw, and swings as hard as he can, SOVIET is unable to block the blow, and takes the tip of the blade across the bony chest. Lordofthedarkness grumbles, as that would have made most of his opponents real in pain, but thanks to SOVIET being a skeleton, that blow just causes a deep scratch in bones, which feel no pain. Realizing this fight has gone sour; he readies himself for his strongest attacks, but if only he could find the invisible SOVIET easier. Lordofthedarkness smirks, as he comes up with an idea, taking a card of each suit from his deck, he throws them up at the ceiling, each one gains an element, and becomes stronger, they hit the ceiling, causing an explosion, and the dust to fall down from it, the dust shows the indented outline of SOVIET. Lordofthedarkness readies himself and runs at the outline, and swings, and another clang is heard, he smiles, as teeth appeared out of nowhere, biting SOVIET. It is the powerful fate of the eca. SOVIET takes the blows, and gritting his teeth, uses his other dagger, and stabs Lordofthedarkness in the chest, causing the eca to collapse on the ground, with a pained expression on his face. SOVIET, leaving Lordofthedarkness body on the ground, runs to the Brak high commanders unconscious body. Some cards hit SOVIET in the back, causing him to kneel. Lordofthedarkness, grasping his bleeding chest, has a determined look on his face, ready to continue the battle. SOVIET just pulls on a previously undetected string, and a row of flames come out of thin air, and hit Lordofthedarkness setting him aflame. Again, he collapses on the ground, this time on fire, and unmoving.
Vagrants and Hellbent, both are trying to hit each other with their sword, but neither can land a decisive blow, Hellbent, being the stronger iop, is weak from Rambo’s earlier attacks, and both are tired after using their wrath on their opponent. Both are acting as one would expect 2 iops to fight, right in their opponents face, trying to hit each other. And every time one swung their sword, the other parries and countered.
“Vagrant! Come on! Its tie to go! “ yelled SOVIET picking up the commanders body, ready to return to Bonta.
“Yes sir!” replied Vagrant, jumping back near SOVIET. SOVIET takes out the specially designed potion that takes Braks to Bonta. But before SOVIET can us it, once again, some cards hit the potion, breaking it. SOVIET looks over at Lordofthedarkness, who is smoking, as the fire went out.
“You… wont…. succeed SOVIET!” panted Lordofthedarkness, barely able to move.
“I though I killed you.” Soviet said in an irritated tone, seeing as the Brak guards, and other high-ranking members of the Brak alignment came in.
“ We…. win… SOVIET… You… can’t… beat…us… Braks…” gasped Lordofthedarkness, as he collapses once more to the ground, as a pool of blood spreads out from under him.
“Mission failed, come on Vagrant, we report back now.” Said SOVIET quickly throwing an intercity express potion to the ground, disappearing in the smoke, Vagrant, taking one last glance as Hellbent charges at him, quickly does the same.
“DAMN YOU BONTANS, DAMN YOU!” screamed Hellbent, as he walked to his dead friends body. The high commander stirs, ands its up.
“Damn, they nearly got me, and they got Lordofthedarkness. We are going to have to step up our training regimen, and then proceed to counter-attack. This act, only proves, that the war needs to be dealt, in one, decisive blow. “ said the high commander as he frowns, looking at Lordofthedarkness burnt, and bloody body.

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PostSubject: Re: sheilds sotry corner: death of thelordofdarkness   Mon 20 Nov - 10:36

i have a question u planning to use spellcheck on this text since i noticed two mistakes probably typos
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PostSubject: Re: sheilds sotry corner: death of thelordofdarkness   Wed 29 Nov - 17:40

read it all. real good =p
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PostSubject: Re: sheilds sotry corner: death of thelordofdarkness   Fri 19 Jan - 5:21

well.. i was lazy, didn't read the comments to my story that i posted on impsvillage.. i am to afraid to reply now for fear of necromancy. so....

anyways.. these are their comments:

destructoboy - Not a bad story, with a fairly well thought out plot. Characters were developed nicely, and some good language was used as well. The language did get a bit casual, things like dumb ass and repeated "grrr"

The story seemed to focus less on LordoftheDarkness and more on Soviet, at least thats what it seems like to me. His actual death also seems a bit rushed. Perhaps a bit more dramatic? Also, the ending is...unsuitable for an ending to a story. You should end on a dramatic note, something which leaves the reader going "awww" or "oohhh"

Not sure if this makes any sense. It's kinda hard to describe these things. Don't mind all my negative comments, I'm just trying to help. It's actually a pretty good story, just a bit of brushing up needed!

Good luck in the contest

hakei- I liked the story...Was well thought out, nice little fights between bontavsbrak. I also like the sword blow thing, (Iops wrath )

xelorrob- I really liked the story, but i agree with destructo.. Alot focusing on SOVIET (which ain't bad, it was fun to read!) And a fast dead. But still

Nice job!

now why couldn't yo uhave told me meh flaws Sad

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i've hit 163. my next new weapon... a wand... will come in no fewer than 20 levels... blaaaaaah. i wish there would be a new int/agility set so i could work on it ;_;
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gauntlet



Number of posts : 174
Age : 25
Localisation : a city with people, stuff, and more stuff
Registration date : 2006-06-13

PostSubject: Re: sheilds sotry corner: death of thelordofdarkness   Fri 19 Jan - 6:29

cause were bad criticas and i am like way younger than u why r u asking me T_T
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sheildsgalore
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Number of posts : 248
Localisation : in the 18-D hyperspace of my mindscape, good luck finding me!
Registration date : 2006-03-23

PostSubject: Re: sheilds sotry corner: death of thelordofdarkness   Fri 19 Jan - 11:13

meh, your not THAT much younger than me... Suspect And critiscism is when you tell people in ways you think they could improve.. if you can't give me any, then one assumption i can make is the story is perfect, and incapable of getting better silent man i wish that was true. and dun worry about hurting my feelings when i specifically ask you to critique something.. i WANT you to be BRUTALLY honest, as its the only way one can improve his writing, and the critique of those on the impsvillage forum, i will take throughout the rest of my writing career.. regardless of how short it is... and should actually hopefully make me vile dopple story better... assuming i ever get back to it fustraded

besides, my complaint wasn't just at you gauntlet.. finch said he read it but gave no mean critiquing(sp?? x.x) worried, and anna was supposed to give it to her friend... but never did... so dunno

well.. hopefully by the end of my composition class, my stories shall be better.. or.. at the very least.. me ability to write an 8 page infromative report should be better... stars

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i've hit 163. my next new weapon... a wand... will come in no fewer than 20 levels... blaaaaaah. i wish there would be a new int/agility set so i could work on it ;_;
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gauntlet



Number of posts : 174
Age : 25
Localisation : a city with people, stuff, and more stuff
Registration date : 2006-06-13

PostSubject: Re: sheilds sotry corner: death of thelordofdarkness   Fri 19 Jan - 19:40

sheild i am 4 years younger than you Y_Y and like yeah
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